either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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