so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
