You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
