Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
