im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
