I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
