My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Hippo gnu deer
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
