I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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