yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
