just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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