I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
