Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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