apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
