if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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