They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It's blow job season.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
