I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
