If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
