you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
