See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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