**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
