now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
