Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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