My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
