Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
