I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
