There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
