areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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