I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
