from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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