You really coming over, don't trick.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
