I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
