I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
