she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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