Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
