my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You can't just leave with hair like that
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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