Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
