Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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