I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
