i already hear my dad disowning me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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