I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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