I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
