Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
