I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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