Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
