One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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