2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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