So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
