When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
