i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
