If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
