Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
